You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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