i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
