if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
