Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
