I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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