My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
