OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
