Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
