just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
