Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
