First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I FOUND THE LEGS
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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