Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize