My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
