we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
