And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Randomize
