he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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