It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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