I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
