if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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