I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
