There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize