I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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