hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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