I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That's how pantless uber rides happen
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
