my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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