Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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