we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
