Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
