So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
