Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
that may or may not have been my penis.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
