I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I checked into jail on foursquare
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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