someone get that fucking seahorse.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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