I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
