tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
