remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
