Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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