Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
