The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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