Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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