Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
