butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
