I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
