I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
