i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
