A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
