I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
