i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
