just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
