Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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