I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
