He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
