yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
