Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
