Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
