I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize