Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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