She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
