i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
