Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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