Your face is a jimmy john
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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