Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
