grandma shit on top of the toilet
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
