My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
