It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize