Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Pants are for mortals
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
