roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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