Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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