Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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