I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
