I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize