everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
