I am midnight drunk by noon
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
